Top reasons not to answer the door:
[1] You don’t like to have company.
[2] You are in the middle of your favorite television show.
[3] Your house is dirty.
[4] You like to hear your dog bark and be confused as to why you didn’t open the door.
[5] It is a bill collector.
[6] It is a magazine seller.
[7] You don’t have on any clothes.
[8] Your ex super glued your door shut.
[9] You like to make people think you have a social life.
[10] You can’t tear yourself away from your computer game.
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Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes
With this crazy weather, there have been lots of tornadoes in many parts of the world. It is important to consider your safety in tornadoes. This piece is written with humor and is not at all recommended that you actually follow these suggestions when tornadoes are around. Having said that; I hope that you enjoy this humor piece and feel free to add your own suggestions as well in the comment section.
My heartfelt prayers go out to people that have been in tornadoes or suffered from the damage of tornadoes. I hope that this humor piece does not offend anyone since tornadoes are a serious threat and very dangerous.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Finish Making Your Drinks or Guzzle a Six Pack
When tornadoes are around, you really won’t have time to go to the bathroom. Don’t finish making your drinks or guzzle down the last six pack in the refrigerator.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Wait to Put Clothes in the Dryer
Ok, you know that when tornadoes are around there is going to be a lot of dirt, grime and general filth. Wait until after the tornadoes pass to put your last load of clothes on the rinse cycle and then toss in the dryer. If you stand there waiting on the rinse cycle with tornadoes around you really are just wasting your time.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Walk the Dog
One of the worst places for you or your dog during tornadoes is out in the open. If there are tornadoes in the area, it probably won’t matter much if your dog goes potty in the house. Besides, one of the safest places in many homes is the bathroom. You and your family pooch can both be in the bathroom and if he accidently goes it is a breeze to quickly clean up.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Get on MySpace and Message All Your MySpace Friends
When the tornadoes are out of the area, then you can get on MySpace and tell all your MySpace friends how you survived a tornado. Most likely, your computer is near a window or in a very open room. Windows are very dangerous during tornadoes because of all the glass. Just text message your MySpace friends regular emails from your cell phone while you sit safely in a closet or bathroom in your home.
My heartfelt prayers go out to people that have been in tornadoes or suffered from the damage of tornadoes. I hope that this humor piece does not offend anyone since tornadoes are a serious threat and very dangerous.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Finish Making Your Drinks or Guzzle a Six Pack
When tornadoes are around, you really won’t have time to go to the bathroom. Don’t finish making your drinks or guzzle down the last six pack in the refrigerator.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Wait to Put Clothes in the Dryer
Ok, you know that when tornadoes are around there is going to be a lot of dirt, grime and general filth. Wait until after the tornadoes pass to put your last load of clothes on the rinse cycle and then toss in the dryer. If you stand there waiting on the rinse cycle with tornadoes around you really are just wasting your time.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Walk the Dog
One of the worst places for you or your dog during tornadoes is out in the open. If there are tornadoes in the area, it probably won’t matter much if your dog goes potty in the house. Besides, one of the safest places in many homes is the bathroom. You and your family pooch can both be in the bathroom and if he accidently goes it is a breeze to quickly clean up.
Top Things Not To Do In Tornadoes: Get on MySpace and Message All Your MySpace Friends
When the tornadoes are out of the area, then you can get on MySpace and tell all your MySpace friends how you survived a tornado. Most likely, your computer is near a window or in a very open room. Windows are very dangerous during tornadoes because of all the glass. Just text message your MySpace friends regular emails from your cell phone while you sit safely in a closet or bathroom in your home.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace
As many of you know, MySpace is a social network site that millions of people view daily. There are teens, older people and possibly even aliens that have pages on MySpace. It is literally one of the largest social network sites on the Internet. So much so, that other people have built clones and renamed them with fancy names to try and gather the same type of attention and web traffic.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Teen Ground
MySpace is filled with way too many teens. There are teen pictures, teen feuds, teen puppy love and more. Ewwww!
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Aliens are Hidden
You know that with all that stuff sitting there in cyber space that the aliens somewhere have to be picking it up. And with humans having so much fun on MySpace, then you know the logical conclusion! Aliens are on MySpace are obviously hiding and cloaking themselves as humans.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Don’t Pay You
There are sites similar to MySpace that pay you to put up your profile page, read and answer your social email and even to do actions to each other. MySpace doesn’t pay you a dime! Shame on them for letting you have fun without payment.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Too Many Options
Have you looked at all the options on MySpace? There are so many different ways you can customize it and make your little MySpace page that people are even writing tutorials on them! If you got to read a tutorial or instruction book, I don’t want to be a part of it. It’s no fun reading directions! Just ask my husband.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Teen Ground
MySpace is filled with way too many teens. There are teen pictures, teen feuds, teen puppy love and more. Ewwww!
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Aliens are Hidden
You know that with all that stuff sitting there in cyber space that the aliens somewhere have to be picking it up. And with humans having so much fun on MySpace, then you know the logical conclusion! Aliens are on MySpace are obviously hiding and cloaking themselves as humans.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Don’t Pay You
There are sites similar to MySpace that pay you to put up your profile page, read and answer your social email and even to do actions to each other. MySpace doesn’t pay you a dime! Shame on them for letting you have fun without payment.
Top Reasons to Hate MySpace: Too Many Options
Have you looked at all the options on MySpace? There are so many different ways you can customize it and make your little MySpace page that people are even writing tutorials on them! If you got to read a tutorial or instruction book, I don’t want to be a part of it. It’s no fun reading directions! Just ask my husband.
Top 5 Ways to Get Rid of a Friend
There are times in your life that a relationship needs to come to an end. You are no longer interested in dating someone or perhaps having a person as a friend. But instead of just telling them up front to get lost, why not try out some of these humor ideas? After all, you probably will not hurt anyone’s feelings using these.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #1: Stink them Out
Stop using toilet paper, deodorant, soap or even water and stink out your friend or person you are dating. They will probably gag and run for cover. The family dog might not like you either!
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #2: Borrow Money from them Each Time You See Them
Even if it is only a few bucks, every time that you see the friend or go dating with them, borrow money. Of course you never pay it back and this will really irritate them. They’ll either start coming around you with an empty wallet or get out of your life.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #3: Charge Them for the Time Together
If you have to drive to meet the friend or date, charge them for gas. If they come to visit you, charge them for using the bathroom, for a glass of water and even for sharing the same air space that you do. Make sure you do this after borrowing a few bucks from them.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #4: Show Them Your Poo
After you use the bathroom at their house, show them your poo. Tell them what a great job you did and how proud you are that you just had to share this with them. Kids being potty trained do it, so why not repulse a friend and do this? If you’re out eating, ask them to come in the bathroom so you can show them your poo and fret that someone might have flushed it when you came back out to tell them.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #5: Pick Your Nose and Clip Your Nails
Pick your nose in front of them. You can just casually wipe it on them if you want. And of course, clip your nails with them and let the nail clippings fly all over the place.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #1: Stink them Out
Stop using toilet paper, deodorant, soap or even water and stink out your friend or person you are dating. They will probably gag and run for cover. The family dog might not like you either!
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #2: Borrow Money from them Each Time You See Them
Even if it is only a few bucks, every time that you see the friend or go dating with them, borrow money. Of course you never pay it back and this will really irritate them. They’ll either start coming around you with an empty wallet or get out of your life.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #3: Charge Them for the Time Together
If you have to drive to meet the friend or date, charge them for gas. If they come to visit you, charge them for using the bathroom, for a glass of water and even for sharing the same air space that you do. Make sure you do this after borrowing a few bucks from them.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #4: Show Them Your Poo
After you use the bathroom at their house, show them your poo. Tell them what a great job you did and how proud you are that you just had to share this with them. Kids being potty trained do it, so why not repulse a friend and do this? If you’re out eating, ask them to come in the bathroom so you can show them your poo and fret that someone might have flushed it when you came back out to tell them.
Top Ways to Get Rid of a Friend #5: Pick Your Nose and Clip Your Nails
Pick your nose in front of them. You can just casually wipe it on them if you want. And of course, clip your nails with them and let the nail clippings fly all over the place.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Top 5 Tips to Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise
Do you want to rapidly lose weight and do it without dieting or exercise? Weight loss is a major issue for many people and quick fixes seem like the ideal solution. After all, what if you have a party or a blind date to go on? You can lose weight in less than 24 hours without dieting or exercise. Sounds great! If you want the edge over your co-workers at work weigh-in competitions this is the way to go!
(Disclaimer: This article was written in humor and not at all for dieting and health advice. Do not follow these tips for losing weight. They are not healthy and were written for humor.)
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #1: Don’t Drink Any Liquids for 24 hours
If you don’t drink any liquids for 24 hours, you will drop some weight. Your body will not retain fluid and you will even be good at dehydrating yourself! But hey, it will lose you some weight.
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #2: Go Potty Before the Event
Go potty a whole lot before the event. This will help you lose a little bit more weight too. If you’re weighing in for a work weight loss competition, you can have the edge over your co-workers.
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #3: Take Lots of Laxatives
Just think about all that waste in your body! It weighs pounds. You can lose one, two or even three pounds from taking laxatives. And just think about how clean your body will be. No-one can say that you are full of it anymore! Of course you might miss your event or weigh in because you spend all your time on the porcelain throne and with stomach cramps. But what is a little abdominal pain and a sore rear if you can drop weight?
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #4: Skip the Underwear
Alright, sure underwear doesn’t weigh a huge amount but it does weigh something. Every little ounce helps with tipping the scale! Go commando and you can lower the number on the scale.
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #5: Shave All Your Hair Off
With the reduction in weight from going commando and then shaving all your hair off, you’re sure to decrease your weight by another pound. Shave your legs, armpits, arms, back, chest, eyebrows and face. Any place that has hair, get rid of it. Don’t worry, you will weigh less and the hair will grow back. Oh and don’t wear a hat when you weigh because that defeats the purpose of shaving your head.
(Disclaimer: This article was written in humor and not at all for dieting and health advice. Do not follow these tips for losing weight. They are not healthy and were written for humor.)
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #1: Don’t Drink Any Liquids for 24 hours
If you don’t drink any liquids for 24 hours, you will drop some weight. Your body will not retain fluid and you will even be good at dehydrating yourself! But hey, it will lose you some weight.
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #2: Go Potty Before the Event
Go potty a whole lot before the event. This will help you lose a little bit more weight too. If you’re weighing in for a work weight loss competition, you can have the edge over your co-workers.
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #3: Take Lots of Laxatives
Just think about all that waste in your body! It weighs pounds. You can lose one, two or even three pounds from taking laxatives. And just think about how clean your body will be. No-one can say that you are full of it anymore! Of course you might miss your event or weigh in because you spend all your time on the porcelain throne and with stomach cramps. But what is a little abdominal pain and a sore rear if you can drop weight?
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #4: Skip the Underwear
Alright, sure underwear doesn’t weigh a huge amount but it does weigh something. Every little ounce helps with tipping the scale! Go commando and you can lower the number on the scale.
Lose Weight in Less Than 24 Hours without Dieting or Exercise Tip #5: Shave All Your Hair Off
With the reduction in weight from going commando and then shaving all your hair off, you’re sure to decrease your weight by another pound. Shave your legs, armpits, arms, back, chest, eyebrows and face. Any place that has hair, get rid of it. Don’t worry, you will weigh less and the hair will grow back. Oh and don’t wear a hat when you weigh because that defeats the purpose of shaving your head.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
How to Get Rid of a Telemarketer
I realize that a telemarketer probably did not sit and dream of harassing people on the phone when they were asked in high school what they wanted to do with their life. I'm also sure that a telemarketer didn't raise their hand in middle school and say, "Oh yes, I want to be a telemarketer when I grow up." So don't get me wrong. I know that everyone has to make money and pay the bills. Yet, there are times that I really don't have the patience for telemarketers. I would like to spend my time with the family without the interruption. My biggest peeve is when the telemarketer calls your phone right in the middle of the family meal.
Family Meal Call
Tell you what. When you're at home eating dinner, call me and we'll chat.
Let me put you on hold while I finish eating my family meal and then we'll chat.
Did you know that I'm having steak, rib eye, homemade onion rings, a delicious pasta salad and a lovely chocolate dessert?
Evening Phone Call
When you get off of work, I'll call you. What is your number?
Can you hold on please? Yes, I'll talk to you when this show is over. It just started.
Do you mind us chatting while I'm sitting on the toilet baking cookies and smelling up the bathroom?
The person you are calling for is now in prison and will be back in twenty years. Do you want me to have them call you collect from the prison?
Anytime Phone Call
My grandson loves talking on the phone. He's so adorable at it. Oh! He wants a turn. Hold on. I'll put him on so you can see first hand.
I"m right in the middle of having sex. I can put you on hold until we're done.
Will you write something down for me please? It's my shopping list. Gun, rope, duct tape, fire crackers, gorilla glue, bat
Family Meal Call
Tell you what. When you're at home eating dinner, call me and we'll chat.
Let me put you on hold while I finish eating my family meal and then we'll chat.
Did you know that I'm having steak, rib eye, homemade onion rings, a delicious pasta salad and a lovely chocolate dessert?
Evening Phone Call
When you get off of work, I'll call you. What is your number?
Can you hold on please? Yes, I'll talk to you when this show is over. It just started.
Do you mind us chatting while I'm sitting on the toilet baking cookies and smelling up the bathroom?
The person you are calling for is now in prison and will be back in twenty years. Do you want me to have them call you collect from the prison?
Anytime Phone Call
My grandson loves talking on the phone. He's so adorable at it. Oh! He wants a turn. Hold on. I'll put him on so you can see first hand.
I"m right in the middle of having sex. I can put you on hold until we're done.
Will you write something down for me please? It's my shopping list. Gun, rope, duct tape, fire crackers, gorilla glue, bat
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